


Bitch Blast

by shiptoomuch



Series: Podcasts and Pies [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, M/M, serious conversations, speculation about celebrity relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiptoomuch/pseuds/shiptoomuch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty shoves his laptop in Shitty’s direction. The main page of <em>Bitch Blast,</em> the internet’s premier Gay Gossip Rag (and the blackhole of all journalism, nicknamed Gay Buzzfeed), is positively plastered with pictures of Eric and Jack getting coffee, going on runs, even buying orange juice. (How the fuck had they gotten that?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bitch Blast

_Ten Reason We’re Sure Eric Bittle is Dating Jack Zimmermann (and His Butt, Swoon!)_

“If you glare at your laptop any harder, it might actually combust.” Shitty says with a clap on Bitty’s shoulder right before he jumps over the back of the couch to settle beside Eric. Eric swallows his squawk of protest about how Shitty’s going to break the couch one of these days. 

Not like he’d be listened to anyways. 

Rather than dignify Shitty’s chirp with any sort of response, Bitty shoves his laptop in Shitty’s direction. The main page of _Bitch Blast,_ the internet’s premier Gay Gossip Rag (and the blackhole of all journalism, nicknamed Gay Buzzfeed), is positively plastered with pictures of Eric and Jack getting coffee, going on runs, even buying orange juice. (How the fuck had they gotten that?)

“You made the big time, Bits. Good on you.” Shitty claps him on the shoulder, clearly missing the point. “Did you read the one where they called you “Gay Oprah?” It was golden.”

Bitty glares at Shitty. Of course he remembers it. Shitty has personally driven back from Cambridge to plaster the Haus in printouts of the article. Bitty _still_ finds them laying around. “It’s not just _me_ they’re writing about. It’s _me and Jack.”_

“So? You’re both out-n-proud celebs. Of course Bitch Blast picked it up.”

“But we’re not out-n-proud together,” Bitty argues back. “Jack values his privacy, you know that. And I am honestly very uncomfortable with articles like this being written about me. I mean, ‘do you think Bittle prefers reverse cowgirl?’ That’s not journalism! That’s hardly writing!”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Thank you!”

“Anyone with eyes can see that you and Jack are into all that eye contact bullshit.” Shitty says seriously.

Bitty grabs one of the throw pillows he just picked up from pottery barn (to go with the new couch) and attempts to smother Shitty with it. Upon failure in that goal, he settles for smacking his friend with it in between words. “That. Is. Not. The. Point.”

“What do you want me to do?” Shitty asks finally, “Go down and lawyer at them?”

Bitty screws up his face and considers this. Shitty can actually be pretty scary when he wants to be. “Do you think that would work?”

“First of all, you want me to go to _Bitch Blast_ headquarters? I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist,” Shitty lists off, “And second, if you want to get any lawyers involved, I’d go for the Falconers team. You know, people with actual influence. And third, would it really be so bad to be publicly dating Jack?”

“Yes!” Bitty exclaims to Shitty’s raised brow, “No? I don’t know, Shits. I mean, we haven’t really talked about it.”

“Coming out to your parents was hard, Bits. Becoming a celebrity is hard. Being with Jack? That’s not hard. I say let the world see how disgustingly adorable the two of you are,” Shitty says with a grin. “The world could use some good news for a change.”

-

_“I’d like to mention first that it doesn’t really matter if Bittle and Zimmermann are dating as long as we keep getting pics of everyone’s favorite bromance-or romance maybe, who knows-I’m cool with it. And people really haven’t been kind to Bittle. I mean, I think it was Harris on _Check, Please,_ who called him ‘just a baker.’ I know I talk a lot of shit about that show, but Harris clearly knows nothing about Bittle if he thinks he’s just a baker. I mean, the kid’s the fastest little bastard I’ve ever seen in my life on the ice.”_

_“Yeah, well, you have a massive crush on Jack Zimmermann, Steve.”_

_“Do not! I just…want him to be happy.”_

Chowder crows and Ransom ruffles Bitty’s hair. “Did you hear that? ‘The fastest little bastard I’ve ever seen in my life.’ I’m so proud to be your captain.”

Eric blushes and covers his face with his hands. In the background, Steve Dangle and co. continue on talking about Jack and Bitty. This is his life now. Eric has enjoyed a fair amount of internet fame from his vlogging and impending cookbook, but this is a whole different level. People know him. People talk about him on podcasts when he’s not there. 

“They should totally get Jack on the podcast.” Holster suggests around a mouthful of the muffins that Bitty stress baked earlier. “That would be dope.” 

Eric says nothing. The podcast (and group listening had been Holster’s idea because he’s _that_ kind of bro) thankfully moves on to a different subject.

-

“You read the Bitch Blast article,” Jack states in lieu of a greeting when he opens the front door of his Providence townhouse.

Bitty whips his head around from where he was peeking over his shoulder to face Jack. “It’s so nice to see you too, sweetheart. I’ve been good, and you?”

Jack sighs and steps aside to let Eric in. Jack clearly is aware of the fact that Bitty wants to avoid this conversation at all costs. Bitty bites his lip and crosses the threshold in what he hopes is a casual and not at all pissed-to-hell-and-back manner. 

“Eric.” 

Bitty is mature. Which means that he’s definitely _not_ ignoring his boyfriend. 

“BIttle.”

Not at all.

“Dicky.”

The nickname is enough to get Bitty to take note. “I thought we promised that nickname was banned forever.” He says with a raised eyebrow and hands on his hips. 

“I thought we agreed that we would talk about things like adults.” Jack fires back without missing a beat. “Bitty. We need to talk about us going public.”

Jack has never been one to beat around the bush when he’s determined. Bitty sits on one of the barstools in Jack’s kitchen and sighs. “Do we? Do we really?”

“Yes. People are starting to figure it out. So we need to figure out our plan of attack.” 

“You know, I’ve been thinking about trying a new caramel pear pie recipe.”

“Because we’re going to have to go public eventually.”

“Maybe make the caramel myself this time.”

“Unless you don’t want to.” Jack says slowly, carrying on the conversation without Bitty’s cooperation. “You just need to tell me what you want here, Bits, and I’ll make it work. I love you and I want to make sure that you’re happy here.”

“Whatever you want is fine with me.” Bitty says evasively. He hops off of the stool and rounds the kitchen counter to the fridge, pulling out butter and milk and flour, which he insisted Jack keep in the fridge to avoid any bugs. “I trust you, Baby.”

 

Jack sighs and closes the fridge. “And there it is.”

“There’s what?”

“You never call me ‘baby’ when you’re in a good mood.” Jack states. He stares Bitty dead in the eyes so that the younger man can’t break away. “Tell me what’s wrong? Did I say something?”

“I don’t want to be ‘Jack Zimmermann’s boyfriend’,” Bitty mumbles.

It feels like a punch to the gut. “What? Bitty, do not want to-“

“Oh god no!” Bitty exclaims and grabs Jack’s arm. “I do not want to break up with you, Jack Laurent Zimmermann.”

Jack lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. The panic that was gripping his chest loosens, but doesn’t leave completely. “Then what _did_ you mean?”

Bitty grabs Jack by the arm and leads him into the living room. He sits Jack down on one end of the couch and sits himself on the other, legs tucked up beneath him. He bites at his nails and doesn’t look Jack in the eye. “I guess I couldn’t really avoid this for very long.” 

Jack says nothing, just stares at Bitty and waits for him to get wherever it is that he’s going with this. 

“I want to be _your_ boyfriend,” Bitty starts, somehow confusing Jack more than before. “I love you and I can’t imagine life without you, but I want to be your boyfriend, not _Jack Zimmermann’s boyfriend.”_

And there it is. The final piece that clicks for Jack. “You don’t want to be known for being my boyfriend.”

Eric nods in what seems like shame. He’s still staring down at his hands. “The past week…all I’ve heard is about who Jack Zimmermann is dating, when Jack Zimmermann started dating his boyfriend, when Jack Zimmermann will propose to his ‘cute blond boyfriend.’ But the thing is…I’m Eric Bittle. I’m a person too, and a pretty decently successful one at that. I know that I’m not a Stanley Cup winner, but I want to be known for what I’ve done.”

“You know I’d never let them reduce you like that.” Jack says softly, reaching out to take Bitty’s hands in his own. 

“I know.”

“I’m proud of what you’ve done. And what you’re _doing._ You’ve been waking up earlier than me to write your cookbook. And you’re on the Samwell hockey team, and you’re in college. I could never let people see you as just my boyfriend,” Jack says surely. He pulls on Bitty’s hands to bring him closer to him. Jack kisses Bitty on the forehead. “If anything, I’d want to be known as _Eric Bittle’s boyfriend._ ‘Cause he’s sort of amazing.”

Bitty smiles and shakes his head, a watery laugh escaping through his lips. “Oh hush, you.”

“I love you, Dicky.” 

“And I love you, shithead.”

**Author's Note:**

> YO  
> So, I got a lot of requests to make Podcasts and Pies a full story, and honestly, I really just don't have time to work on a novel length project atm. So what I've decided to do is a series of one shots that take place in the Universe.
> 
> So if you have anything that you'd like me to write from this AU, at any point in the overall timeline, just comment or shoot me a message on tumblr where I'm @fabtrek.


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